Hello,
I'm sitting here, in my music studio, Pro Tools session open and ready. So, why am I creating a blog post instead? I honestly couldn't answer that. I've started a music project that began, following my release of a single called “Choose It” and during my studies at Berklee Online. I could reach back further than that, into my era with The Barnes Project that will always be credited with the defibrillation of my love for creating music, and the start of my realization that I'm actually good at writing songs. It's funny, I find it difficult to say that I'm good at writing songs. That's the insecurity in me, rising like a lump in my throat that inhibits the literal vocals from passing my lips and keeps me in hiding when it comes to sharing what I do with others outside this studio. And I'm the only one in this studio. It's a lonely and stifling battle to fight with oneself.
Is it fair for me to call myself a musician, at this point? I did some active years performing in a live band. I've done two+ years of time studying at Berklee Online and earned a degree in interdisciplinary music studies. And with a full-time job, full-time kids, full-time spouse, a life that lifes…well, it was really a quite much more difficult degree than I'd imagined it would be to obtain. And I've studied chemistry. The difficulty level is actually comparable. Going into Berklee, I had no formal music training or no music studies, beyond the little 30 minute per week class they used to march us single-filed down the hall to participate in when I was in elementary school, a whole-nother lifetime ago. I felt like if I belonged in a prestigious music school, things should come easier, but I really worked my butt off just to pass the classes. If I'm honest, I don't even think I got my money's worth out of that experience. I feel like there are so many things I skimmed on but didn't fully grasp and don't completely understand today. Sometimes, I feel that though I earned the degree, I feel like a fraud. The very thought of filling in the gaps on my own gives me anxiety, as I don't even know where to start. Do I start by solidifying the parts I'm already good at, like writing and singing? Do I try to squeeze in some time for a little of those two and the other things I'd like to get better at, like the business aspects; instruments; web presence; etc.?
But, I digress. So, the question remains: Do I have the right to call myself a music artist? A creator of music? A vocalist? A producer in the making? A future pianist? A guitarist who hasn't yet found her stroke? When I logged into some of my classes to find a classmate who couldn't be a day over twelve, already performing at a level I can't even imagine right now on several instruments or managers of artists actually working in the music industry, or better yet, artists who actually were taking a break to log in while touring on a real gig with real fans and followers, I have to wonder. After all, here I am, barely stepping into the studio, playing Candy Crush on the couch instead of thinking on what to work on next because the mundane daily tasks have sucked the creative force from my lifeless body and I succumb to the heaviness of my eyelids and the desire to just not think. Here I am, haven't posted on social media in months, except to point out that baby spiders are always among us, whether we realize it or not. I barely even log in to see what is going on outside my own little bubble, except to see the comments on the posts that my husband tags me in which usually boast the accomplishments or milestones of our beautifully talented daughters.
Do I have the right to call myself a music artist? I think that the fact that I'm at all compelled to create this blog post is evidence of something in me that is calling out to this acclaimed title. If it beats in my heart, then it suits me. I believe I've overlooked the real question. Will I give the effort the title deserves, despite a tight schedule, a fatigued body, a typically drained introvert battery, and a list of responsibilities that literally spell my first, middle, and last names? Will I see my current project through to the end? Will my mission power me to keep pushing through all the tough parts and move forward? Well, I guess that's a story we all have to watch as it plays out.