Hi.
I’m Valerie Thoms, and I’m a music creator who runs from the spotlight. Imagine creating lyrics, melodies, arrangements… singing them, recording them, piecing the instrumentals together… and then… Like a mouse who runs when the lights come on, I run. I have to muster up the strength to peek out onto social media long enough to mention that I’ve created something. Once I announce that I’ve created something, I may announce a reminder on the date it comes out. And then…. You never see me again. That’s me.
A part of it is that I’m literally afraid that people will like my stuff enough to actually want to see me perform it in some capacity, to want me to come out into the light. My stage fright is on another level. I am afraid of the life that a comes with success of a music creator. If I find any avenue that leads to success, it will take me far away from my comfort zone. I may have to leave the comfort of my home and go out into the world after hours, pack up my gear and set up a stage and merch table, gather band mates to work along side me, look the stage fright in the eye, deal with business-y things, manage and plan. Ugh. The thought is making me ache.
On the flip side, I have another fear. I scrutinize my skills more heavily than any of my partakers ever will. I’m scared of releasing art that I’m proud of but nobody else likes. I’m scared that even if I created something great, I won’t perform it well under pressure or my voice will crack that day or I’ll miss the high notes or trip on a cord. I’m scared of the internet trolling. If they do it to Beyoncé, I already know what kind of internet ignorance would come my way. I’m scared that once eyes are on what I’m doing, nobody will see its worth, or worse, they’ll think it sucks. I’m afraid nobody will understand or care about my message or my story or my take on the world, or worse, that nobody will care.
In a nutshell, I have a fear of success and a simultaneous fear of failure. I wish I could turn down the part of me that cares enough for this entry to exist. But here we are. I’m all scared and sh**. Look at me.